Twenty Ways I Can Tell Husband is Out of Town

1. First son "ran out" of clean underwear.
   
2. Instead of washing dirty underwear, I decided First Son needed new underwear.
   
3. The guy at the McDonald's drive-in rolled his eyes at me today and muttered, "You again."
   
4. The bug that I keep feeling crawling on me is really just my unshaven leg hair.
   
5. Eight o'clock in the morning feels like the crack of dawn.
   
6. I only run the dishwasher once a week.
   
7. The kids are begging me to feed them a home-cooked meal.
   
8. I can't remember which bottle is shampoo and which one is conditioner.
   
9. I'm an expert trash compacter, hoping that it can wait until Husband gets home until it has to be taken all the way outside to the big trash can.
   
10. I'm an expert at fooling First and Second Son, telling them: "Oh, look at the cute little spider. He's so sweet. Okay. Now smush it for me."
    
11. I've discovered what my actual for-real-life toenails look like after all the toe nail polish has flaked off.
    
12. Where do I keep the vacuum cleaner again?
    
13. The oven is a useful storage device.
    
14. What's the point in making beds and changing out of pajamas when at the end of the day I'm just going to put on pajamas and get back in the bed?
    
15. Soap? What is this substance of which you speak?
    
16. I'm caught up on all my TV shows.
    
17. My hair straightener is getting a nice long vacation.
    
18. I've forgotten how to work zippers and buttons and snaps. If it's not drawstring, it ain't goin' on these hips.
    
19. Wow! These bound pages of paper with titles on them that are sitting on my bookshelf can actually be read and enjoyed and read again??? What a marvelous invention!
    
20. Did you know that you could use a cell phone for actually talking to another person who is far away from you? Me neither!